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©2018 BY THAT GIRL WITH BPD. PROUDLY CREATED WITH WIX.COM

#BPDAwarenessMonth: Talking To People Living With BPD

May 13, 2018

 

 

 

Hello gorgeous people! 

 

As many of you will know, this month is Borderline Personality Awareness month. In honour of this, I thought I’d do a post dedicated to BPD. I wanted to speak to some of you to find out your BPD story. 

 

As somebody who lives with BPD, I know how easy it is to feel as though you are completely alone. I hope this article helps you in the sense that you know there are others who are feeling the same emotions and going through similar situations.  

 

I want to say a huge thank you to those of you who helped me with this article. It wouldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for your willingness to answer my questions. 

 

thatgirlwithBPD x

 

**Answers are copied direct from replies and have not been reworded**

Unlancy blog - https://twitter.com/UnlunacyBlog 

 



So my first question is when did you first realise you had BPD, and what symptoms did you have?

It was last year in November that I got diagnosed, but I had sort of known about it before then and didn't connect the dots to my particular case of it. I've always had abandonment anxiety, dating all the way back to when I was 7-8 with my mum. I never saw grey areas, I'd either be really happy about something or completely devastated and it caused a lot of family arguments at home. I constantly suffered with impulsive thoughts as well, I never even wanted to self harm or anything, I just did it because my brain told me I needed to do it.

How does having BPD effect you?
 

It affects me in a frustratingly difficult to understand way. I can't explain it to people who don't have BPD because the feeling is so unique. You're angry all the time, at other things and at yourself. You constantly feel like you've let people and yourself down. You're working against your own brain.  

 

Are you in therapy/on medication to help with your BPD?

 

I'm not on medication because I took anti depressants for a long time and they had so many bad side effects that I thought it wasn't worth it. I didn't get accepted into DBT for BPD (because of their own fault) but I have had a lot of therapy in general. 


Does BPD effect your interpersonal relationships?


Yes. This is the thing that BPD affects the most for me. I find it difficult to create bonds with people because I either see them as the best thing in the world or I hate them. 


Do you think you will ever recover from BPD?


No. It's a lifelong condition, and I'll always have relapses and bad times. It's just about learning to live day to day in a different way, with BPD. Instead of working against it and letting it rule over you.

Battling_bpd - https://www.instagram.com/battling_bpd/

 

 

 



When did you first realise you had BPD, and what symptoms did you have? 


I was first diagnosed when I was 18, but looking back now I think I had symptoms at a much younger age. I used to struggle with my extreme emotions, maybe from as young as 10/11 years old. I'd internalise my emotions a lot and then cry uncontrollably in private. I would often disassociate, although I didn't realise that's what it was at the time. I was so scared I didn't tell anyone.

How does BPD effect you? 


My mood is extremely up and down on a daily basis. I'm a really happy positive person, and then I can suddenly change and feel like I am so utterly depressed there's not much point in being here. It can happen very very suddenly, like a switch is flipped. Sometimes it can last for just an hour, sometimes a whole day or more.

 

I get very over emotional about things that probably wouldn't bother other people so much.And tiredness. The tiredness is awful. It's a side effect of the medication, and also the extreme over-thinking in my mind. I feel exhausted a lot of the time. And in the past, I used to be extremely impulsive, but I'm working hard to stop those feelings now using distraction techniques.

Are you in therapy/on medication to help with your BPD? 


I've just finished a 16 week STEPPS course (a more concise version of DBT) and see mental health specialists and therapists regularly. I take a mixture of antidepressants and medication for anxiety. As well as sleeping pills when I'm struggling to fall asleep.I would absolutely love to do DBT, but no where in my area does it - either privately or on the NHS. I wish it was available more in England, I would jump at the chance after hearing such positive outcomes.

Does BPD effect your interpersonal relationships? 

 

I'm really lucky that I have a fantastic husband and a few very close and understanding friends. I'm not sure what I'd do without them! But other relationships I struggle to keep, especially in the past. I can either be a bit too much, or just push them away!

Do you think you will ever recover from BPD? 

 

Not necessarily recover, over the last 15 years since my diagnosis it's actually got worse, but certainly learn the skills to help cope with it and live with it without it consuming me.

Stephanie - https://twitter.com/365days0fsteph

 

 

 

When did you first realise you had BPD? 

 

I first realised something was wrong when I was feeling angry and extremely upset majority of the time, for no reason at all, and it really affected me in secondary school. I was constantly on edge and ready to fight or cry, and that wasn’t normal. I saw counsellors, CAHMS and a school counsellor too but nobody could tell what was up. My anger got out of control over the years and I experienced a lot of hallucinations when I was distressed. I wanted to be a Psychiatric Nurse so I was very knowledgeable in the mental health side of things, I ended up getting kicked off my degree because I don’t sleep. That turned into “underlying depression” and weeks later, “probably Borderline”. That was two and a half years ago, still no diagnosis and still no progress of getting one. Been thrown on medication for depression and schizophrenia, didn’t ever take my meds consistently and my Psychiatrist doesn’t like me. Out of work and not allowed to study as it’ll affect my benefits, so I’m fighting the system to diagnose me so I can get the appropriate therapy and then I’ll be able to go into employment and live a “normal” life.

 

How does BPD effect you?

 

I'm unable to have stable friendships and relationships. Every year in secondary school, in June, I would lose 3 friends. Every year. My friend group was very, very small and my close friends kept changing by the month. I’ve had 50+ sexual partners and I know I only had so many because I wanted to feel better about myself. Never worked lol. I’ve wrecked every relationship I’ve been in, I’m always the one being dumped for being too clingy or too negative or too obsessive. I’ve stalked an ex before because I was so caught up in my mind and I couldn’t bare never seeing him again. That was only last year, and I’ve come a long way since then. I admit it was legit a crazy thing to be at, but I know it’s a large part of who I am. My friends accept me for who I am now, we laugh together about my nutty antics rather than being laughed at or talked about. I’m now in a stable relationship for 5 months with the same person I struggled for 2 years with, so I think that’s a nice reminder that I’m coping better than before with life, not just my illness.

 

Are you in therapy/on medication to help with your BPD? 

 

I’m not in any therapy at all anymore, I found my own counsellors but they couldn’t do much without a diagnosis and they shamed me a lot for my actions that weren’t controllable - one counsellor told me my illness wasn’t real. Stopped seeing her after that, it was hugely disrespectful and completely trampled on the two and a half years I’ve been struggling with BPD. I have mostly been on meds for schizophrenia but on Monday I’m starting a mood stabiliser!

 

Do you think you will ever recover from BPD? 
 

I don’t think anyone with BPD “recovers”, but they do learn to cope. BPD is a lifelong illness, we learn to cope and manage ourselves, and in turn I think we grow to love ourselves too even when everyone around us gives us many reasons not to. I’m proud to say I have Borderline, I love educating people on it and giving them examples of the times I’ve been at my worst! I’ve been treated very horribly before and had my illness blamed, but overall people have been very loving and understanding. I just wish health professionals took it seriously.

 

ANONYMOUS

So my first question is when did you first realise you had BPD, and what symptoms did you have?

Okay so I'll start with the symptoms and what made me think I had it; like I knew my childhood wasn’t normal compared to my friends growing up and I started self harming at 13 and I think the first sign something wasn’t right was I used to be a catfish and manipulate people and hurt a lot of people but the feeling of being loved and creating whoever and whatever I wanted was like addictive. I got diagnosed with depression at 16 still self harming had CBT, antidepressants etc. But around 17 I started wanting that attention again and got Tinder and met so many guys and always played the victim even tho i was seeing multiple guys, suicide attempts and getting angry and upset all the time. 18 I was living in Manchester with my older bf lost all my friends discovered drugs, started cheating because I was bored but I was paranoid my bf was cheating when he wasn’t. Suicide attempts, manipulating my bf and other guys, tried to kill my self went to a&e started psychotherapy got diagnosed.

How does having BPD effect you?

How it effects me, it’s a struggle like now I have a diagnosis I find it easier to cope with myself but I still go everyday with so much anger and still think I hurt a lot of people. But I also know I am a good person

Are you in therapy or on any medication to help with your BPD?

I currently have weekly psychotherapy, and I’ve just this week been put on setraline because I’ve refused to take anything in the past because of bad experiences, but wanting to get better now!

Do you think BPD effects your relationships?

Definitely I think that’s the area it’s the most damaging my relationship with other people.

Do you think you’ll ever be recovered from BPD?

 

Honestly no, not really I can’t even imagine going a week.

 

ANONYMOUS 


When did you first realise you had BPD? 


I always knew that there was something not quite right with how my mind worked, went backwards and forwards to the doctors from the age of 15 being given anti-depressants, counselling sessions and seeing a psychiatrist. Then I gave up on it all because I didn’t feel like I was getting anywhere and moved away, when I moved about a year ago I got referred to the psychiatrists again which is where I got my BPD diagnosis.

What symptoms do you have? 


Mood swings, engaging in impulsive and reckless, rage, self harm, dissociation, anxiety, abandonment issues, unstable relationships with friends, family and in love life.

How does BPD effect you? 


It effects my day to day life massively, trying to hold down a job is so hard if they aren’t aware of your illness. Thankfully my company have been hugely supportive and tend to cater to my behaviour. I struggle with keeping my friends close because of my outbursts. I also get the urge to cut which I thankfully haven’t done in nearly a year due to using other coping mechanisms.

Are you in therapy/on medication to help with your BPD? 


No, I’m not involved with either.

Do you think you will ever recover from BPD? 


I’d like to think I’ll get better, but I don’t seek enough help. I should try to talk about it but because I don’t know what caused me to be this way I struggle to understand it.

 

ANONYMOUS

 

When did you first realise you had BPD? 

 

I watched YouTube videos of people with borderline and I thought I related a lot because I'm autistic (and they cross over a lot) but after a few months of research and a couple of tests, it became obvious to me that I have BPD. My main symptoms were having massive mood swings (like being so depressed and less than an hour later being euphoric/super happy), bouncing back from "I love you" and "I hate you" over minor falling outs with people and they'll do something good and I'm back to "I love you" again.

 

Are you in therapy/on medication to help with your BPD? 

I'm not but I want to, I'm just scared of asking for it and talking to a professional about it even though I know I should.

 

Does BPD effect your interpersonal relationships? 

 

Mostly horribly. I'm lucky in that I have friends that really care about me and they understand me. I have a lot of unstable relationships, basically all of them, and it's horrible. I'm constantly afraid people will leave me. I don't have any control over my emotions and it's scary. I feel everything with such a fierce intensity and it's hard to reach out because so many people are all "you're upset over something tiny, just have some perspective and stop being so sensitive" or something.

A lot. I just don't get close to people anymore because I've made the assumption that they're going to leave even if I'm still going to be afraid that they'll leave me. I'm currently in a relationship and I get so...almost obsessive about them, because the emotions involved get so intense. Relationships are difficult.

 

Do you think you will ever recover from BPD? 


I really really hope so! I think there's a chance that it could get easier in time as I learn to deal with the level of emotion I feel and dealing with the trauma.

 

ANONYMOUS

 

When did you first realise you had BPD? 

 

Symptoms were manipulation - I did this for relationships. I either acted like a cute, funny, innocent girl. Or I played up my seduction to try to get a guy back I pushed away.I went back and forth between anger and my harsh words to begging for forgiveness. Only to be racked with grief and shame when the wave of anger dissipated.I overthink things and cannot seem to make important decisions for fear of the outcome because I don't know if the choice is what I really want or if I'm just looking for something different. To be someone else and somewhere else.

 

How does BPD effect you? 


It affects me the most in my relationships. Anytime I feel a guy is going to leave me or does leave me. I just lash out in rage. Oftentimes I don't remember all I have said and done - it's almost like I black out. I turn into a monster I don't recognize and wouldn't normally act because I am terrified. So I end up scaring guys off because I come off as clingy and the worst...crazy. I hate being called crazy.

 

Are you in therapy/on medication to help with your BPD? 


I am on medications - an anti depressant, a mood stabilizer, and anxiety meds. The mood stabilizer has helped the most. I seem to process things before I react. I don't have a lot of anger pent up, but in a sense I feel without that anger - it's made me more aware of my other emotions I have to face and deal with. Yes I am in therapy.

 

Does BPD effect your interpersonal relationships? 


With friends and family - they get the depression side of my bpd and fear of being alone. I often isolate myself or doubt they care about me. 

With guys I like - I scare them off and sometimes they can't see past that awful side of me that I can become. And I desperately try to pull them back and it only makes it worse. So I've never had a steady relationship with a guy. Very short and intense. And then I am literally devastated and feel as if the world will end and I will never meet. Someone. I feel like I am not worth loving. It makes me want to not exist at all because the pain is so intense.

 

Do you think you will ever recover from BPD? 

I think my small manipulations may always exist. And I will feel anxious still. I believe I will still feel the need for some validation in any relationship or friendship. But I have not had the black out rage since December. I have had moments of anger and have overrated once. But I don't black out and I am able to end it and walk away sooner instead of drag it out for days or weeks. 

So while some symptoms may always be there, I do believe I am improving and will continue to improve.I actually have a very positive outlook on overcoming at most my biggest issues which are the intense anger and impulsive behavior.

 

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