As you know, I was admitted to hospital just over a month ago. I spent four weeks as an inpatient and then was discharged on Monday 26th March. Although I didn't feel entirely ready to be discharged, the nurses and psychiatrist came to the conclusion that being on an acute psychiatric ward was not beneficial for me in the long term, and could actually hinder my recovery. This was because the ward could sometimes be quite noisy, which set my anxiety off, and I wasn't able to get any sort of therapy while I was in there. I will say that the staff were second-to-none and were incredibly supportive.
So far I have been at home for three days, and although I feel unstable and off kilter, I am doing much better than I was before I was admitted.
In hospital, I was completely all over the place. One moment my mood was okay, and the next minute I was suicidal and crying on the bathroom floor, self-harming. There was a day in hospital on which I was planning to end my life. I won't say how as I don't want to give any ideas to anyone who is also admitted themselves. However I had written a note, and told the people closest to me. I couldn't do it though. And selfishly, it wasn't because of how it would effect my family, but because I knew if I tried to kill myself, I would be found almost immediately, and taken straight to the Accident and Emergency that was literally two minutes from the unit I was being kept in. I didn't want to try it and survive, and be in a worse position than I was already in.
As I've also spoke about on my social media, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I will be talking about this diagnosis on a separate post so keep your eyes peeled! I am still coming to terms with this diagnosis as it has given me a whole new insight in to myself and my mental health. I will - soon - be beginning Dialectical Behaviour Therapy and hopefully some form of psychotherapy to finally get me on the way to being better.
Mentally since being discharged, I am doing okay (touch wood!). I have had a couple of low moments since coming out of hospital but they are no where near the extreme that they were before I was admitted. I haven't harmed, haven't felt overwhelmingly suicidal and my mood is quite level. I won't, however, convince myself that this will last.
Eventually I will be coming completely off both my Quetiapine and Citalopram. They aren't working, and I do not like the idea of putting chemicals inside my body if they are not having a positive effect on me mentally. I'm unsure as to whether I will go on to anything else, but I would like to try and manage my illnesses without, is possible. I know that coming off these will cause withdrawal and possibly push me further in to depression, and I am prepared for that.
One of the main problems with BPD, in my opinion, is that it cannot really be treated with medication - it is more therapy based i.e. learning to deal with extreme emotions and situations. Obviously both depression and anxiety which I suffer from can be treated with medication, but I am hoping the skills I gain throughout therapy will in turn help me manage those as well.
For now though, I am seeing the Home Treatment team a few times a week until I begin therapy and am stable. I feel slightly more positive about my life and am working towards being mentally stable enough to go back to college in September. I know it's a super long road ahead, but I am finally ready to try.