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Who Do I Want To Be?

March 24, 2018

So lets start with who I am right now. I think the fact I am in hospital basically sums this up. I am unwell. I am poorly.


I am an anxious mess; I am depressed; I am suicidal to the point where I have tried to commit suicide four times in the past three months (nearly a month of which I have been hospitalised). 


I am insecure. I am hateful. I hate everyone who seems happy. Who has a body I want. The job I want. Whos life seems more together than mine does.


I am co-dependent. I cannot function without someone else there. I hate being on my own. I cannot stand being in my own company. I detest being bored.


I am unhappy. I have no motivation to do anything. It takes me absolutely ages to finish the most basic of tasks. I am tired. I feel there is no hope, and when there is hope, it is fake. Or a trick. Or a lie. 


I am damaged.


I am vulnerable. 


I despise myself. I am disgusting. 


I'd say one of the worst parts about having Borderline Personality Disorder is, for me, the inability to know who you are. Or who you really are, underneath the impulses, intense emotions, the self hatred, the self-harm, the attention seeking behaviour. 


What is most scary, is having no idea who I am. It's easy enough knowing who I want to be, but it's hard putting that in motion. BPD is unforgivably controlling. It infiltrates every part of your emotions, your life, your relationships. It makes you do things that others frown upon. It makes you do things that YOU aren't really doing. It is a heartbreaking illness. It basically robs you of any sense of knowing yourself. As much as I would love to be this care-free, relaxed, chilled person, I am unable to do that. The slightest things get to me; I am super emotional; I feel intense anger, hatred, sadness, depression, anxiety.


For years I have struggled. I have sat and stared at myself in the mirror and cried countless times because I just don't know who I am. I look at all the people around me and they seem to have it together. Of course, they probably don't, but inside I feel even more broken than anyone could imagine. 


A common result of BPD is regularly changing careers goals and having rapid personality changes. For example, when I was around seventeen, I wanted to be a Page 3 girl. I was absolutely set on it. I wanted to work within that industry. This was when I began posting provocative pictures online. My personality became extremely carefree. I began dressing to the stereotype of a glamour girl. However a month later, I changed my mind and wanted to be cabin crew. I became more reserved, less revealing; my personality basically "quietened down". Through the changes in my career goals, my personality always seemed to change with it too. This then made it even more confusing for me as I didn't know which personality I actually was.


When I get out of hospital, I am going to begin Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I have heard so many positive things about DBT and it's involvement in helping people to cope with having BPD. However, what I am most looking forward to is being able to become a new person through it.


Obviously it isn't just therapy that is going to help me become an entirely new person - I need to put the work in myself. I feel like now is the time to do this. I have hit rock bottom, the only way from here is up; I can make myself in to anything if I work hard enough. 


I know who I want to be. I want to be someone others look up to; someone who inspires others in their journeys throughout life; someone who gives others hope; someone people go to. I want to be happy, to be determined, to be able to begin tasks and complete them. I want to be able to have a disagreement without taking it to heart. I want to be able to sit in a room full of people who are laughing, and know that they are not laughing about me. I want to be able to smile and genuinely mean it. I want to give the love back to my family that they have given me throughout the worst years of my life.


I want to help people. I know how it feels to be at rock bottom, to be so incredibly fragile and broken, to see suicide as the only way out. I want to change that.I want to make it easier for everybody and anybody to have access to mental health services when they need it - not in a month, two month, three months time. I want to help people when they most need it - before they try and hurt themselves. 


I want to be somebody who people look at, and are inspired by because - even though my journey knocked me for six, nearly killed me multiple times, and ruined my life - I managed to rebuild it. 


I want to become a doctor.


I want to become a wife.


I want to become a mother.


I want to be the best daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend.


I want to make a change.


And one day, I know I will be able to look back on this post, and smile, because I achieved it all. 


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