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Wanting To Be Depressed

March 24, 2018

On a bad day, my mood is rock bottom. I will cry all day, feel incredibly suicidal, harm myself, feel lost, feel as though there is no hope in the world. Although these days are extremely hard, to me, these are normal. These days are where I am mostcomfortable. To those who don't suffer from depression - and maybe even those who do - this may seem strange.

People usually assume that when you're depressed, all you want is to get better. To me, however, I don't want to get better - I just want the feelings to go away. Or, at least, feel what is familiar to me, which is the sadness, the depression, the horrible thoughts. I dread "good" days because of this. Good days to me are alien, I don't like them. I don't like the unfamiliar feeling of being "okay", and having hope, and being somewhat "normal". Many of those with depression will long for these days, but I don't.

Another reason I don't like these good days, is because I feel good, but inside I know there are bad days around the corner. I can never relax on good days, because I'm waiting for the comedown. I am constantly teetering on the edge, begging for the depression to hurry back home so I can settle back in to feeling low again.

I've experienced this recently. Just a few days ago, I felt okay. My mood was around a five, on a scale out of ten; but after feeling like this for a couple of days, I started to get really uncomfortable. It was too different, I didn't like it. I wanted to feel bad. I didn't like this weird, unfamiliar feeling. That very night, I was lay in bed, and started to feel really low. It sounds crazy, but I lay there, smiling, because I felt home. I was home. I was back where I've been for years. That two day holiday of being alright I had experienced was long gone, a distant memory - I couldn't even remember how it felt, and I liked it.

You could say that this is part of the depression, that it isn't me actually thinking this. Depression is your thoughts. Your thoughts and your depression aren't separate, they are the same thing. Depression has a way of infiltrating every single part of your mind. At this moment in time, I find it hard to ever imagine being separate from my depression. I can't see myself ever thinking by myself, as opposed to the depression thinking for me. I know this is cynical, however when you have been a certain way for such a long period of time, you can never imagine being any different.

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