For years and years, I knew something wasn't quite "right" with me. Since I was fourteen I've always felt emotions that are unbearably intense, wanted validation from other people, despised myself, chatted to and slept with more men than I'd have liked, tried to commit suicide, lied, acted recklessly... things you shouldn't be doing at such a young age.
I also had an obsession with anything to do with sex. I would buy magazines with the word "sex" on, would constantly think about it, have sex too early on in a relationship... I loved anything to do with it. It was so unhealthy.
I thought perhaps I would grow out of it, but I never did. If anything, it escalated.
I could never work out why, in relationships, I was so controlling. I was awful, I will admit. I hated my boyfriends going out with their friends, constantly checked their phone, their social media, I'd be beyond clingy, texting and ringing all the time to see where they were, who they were talking to, were there any girls? I'd always ask for their approval, or check that they still wanted to be with me, or did they love me?, did they find me attractive? I also loved so intensely. I basically smothered anyone I was with with love, and when they didn't give that much love back - even though they weren’t capable of it, I'd get upset and feel cast aside.
The thought of my boyfriends having a life that didn't revolve around me was horrible. This behaviour ended up pushing my first boyfriend away, and after a year he split up with me. I felt heartbroken, rejected, unloved, ugly - I hated myself. I was seventeen at the time, and this break up caused me to go on a downward spiral.
I was absolutely vile towards him afterwards. I attacked him, sent him abuse, embarassed him publicly. I just couldn't deal with the fact he had left me, and I didn't understand why the breakup was affecting me so badly, when people around me had broken up with their boyfriends and dealt with it a million times better. I began sleeping around, messaging random men, sending pictures of myself, getting drunk - anything to feel wanted, loved, not rejected. But nothing worked. The void was filled temporarily, and then the high faded and I needed to act out all over again. But on the flip side, i lay in bed ninety-nine percent of the time, didn't eat, didn't drink, refused to shower. I didn't have anything to live for now I had lost him.
He was my lifeline.
I thought my life depended on him.
I tried to commit suicide multiple times as I couldn't bear not having him in my life anymore. I self harmed. I was absolutely disgusted with myself.
I continued this way for some time, before I began going out with my next serious boyfriend, two years later. The same thing happened all over again. I checked his phone, hated him going out, snuck on his laptop when he was asleep. It was so incredibly unhealthy, but I couldn't stop the way I was behaving, no matter how hard I tried. This ex was violent himself, and we ended up in multiple physical arguments. Throughout the whole of the relationship, I still wanted approval from other men. My boyfriends approval just wasn't enough. He used to lie all the time which didn't help with my constant checking up on him and monitoring his phone. I felt as though he was disinterested in me, so I wanted other mens attention. I got off on it, it made me feel good.
After nearly two years together, I split up with him. I was sick of his behaviour (and he was probably just as sick of mine!) and I needed to get out.
Even though this breakup didn't upset me, it still triggered my destructive behaviour once again. I began drinking basically every night, flirting with basically every men I laid my eyes on, offered myself up to anyone I found attractive enough to sleep with, became extremely depressed yet euphoric and basically just didn't give a shit about myself or anything else. I was unbothered.
I then met my absolute best friend and the best ex-boyfriend I could ever have asked for. Somehow, he tamed the (then unknown/ notdiagnosed) BPD in me. I became much more relaxed within a rel-
ationship. I trusted him with my whole heart. I still reguarly wanted his validation and assurance that he wanted me, fancied me, enjoyed dating me, but never to the extreme that I had reached in the past. We also never argued... In the whole time I have known him, we've argued just a handleful of times. They're normally down to me, and my inability to process normal emotions so I lash out and become quite nasty. He was and continues to be such a patient human when I get like that. He is my soulmate, but are paths are leading to different directions for now, before they eventually bring us back together.
For all of these years, I was told I just suffered with depression and anxiety. I didn't know anyone else with depression who acted in such extremes. Antidepressants would never work for me either; it was so frustrating.
However, after speaking to the psychiatrist whilst I am in hospital, I have gotten an answer/explanation for all my behaviour - I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). I'd had a feeling that I suffered from BPD a few months ago, but as I wasn't able to see a psychiatrist or psychologist, I left it. Being in hospital gave me the time to properly consider it as a possible diagnosis, which was then confirmed.
My behaviour seems to make much more sense now. I feel like a weight has been lifted, and I can stop beating myself up for my behaviour in the past.
I’ve had a few comments from people saying that I shouldn’t label myself. As far as I am concerned, saying I have an illness is not labelling myself. If anything, I am extremely relieved to finally have a diagnosis that is concrete. I strangely feel much lighter; everything that didn’t make sense to me about my life and behaviour now makes sense, and it feels brilliant. To have a reason behind all the things I have done and the ways I have acted is a huge relief. I do this blog to raise awareness for mental illness, and will not let anybody make me feel as though I shouldn’t speak up just because they feel I am labelling myself. Even if I was, it’s not their business.
I can only hope that now I have a definitive diagnosis, I can get the correct help and finally have the life I have always wanted.