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How Sexual Abuse Has Affected Me

March 20, 2018

So this post is quite a deep post. Not to say my others haven't been so, but this one is considered quite a "taboo" subject to talk about. But I don't care about that.

I started being sexually abused when I'd just reached double digits. It is mad looking back how, as a child, you are so incredibly blind to what you would see as so obvious now. I was abused up until the age of sixteen, when the perpetrator was finally caught out.

I'd say the biggest way sexual abuse has effected me is attention seeking behaviour. Even from that young age, I was rather promiscuous. I thought the only way I could associate with men, be friends with men, get along with men, was to basically offer myself up on a plate. Many people who have been sexually abused act the same way, but we are labelled as "sluts".

My behaviour was at it's worst when I split up with my first ex at the age of seventeen. I was on all sorts of websites, cam websites, sexual websites, everything. I'd lost someone who truly loved me, who I didn't have to act in such a way around, and I was at a loss.

I slept with men because I knew no better. I thought that was my worth. Sleeping with countless men because I offered myself up, without a second thought as to whether I genuinely wanted to. I thought it'd make them love me. I was so broken inside because I didn't love myself, that I was desperate for any person who looked at me to love me. Thinking back to this is just unbearable.

I also became a nightmare when I was in relationships. I don't think my choice of partner helped. I often went for "boys" as opposed to men. And even though all those close to me continuously pointed it out, I was still dumbfounded. I distrusted every person I went out with, was convinced they were cheating on me - which majority were but, I hated them going out, having their own lives. I was just absolutely awful. I also chose people who were so unsympathetic it was absolutely unreal. They were so blase to depression and mental illness that I found myself sinking lower because I couldn't understand why someone who "loved" me was so unsupportive.

One particular instance was when I was with my longest ex. He had been at work all day, and I was signed off as my depression was just awful. I said to him I was tired and wanted to go to bed, to which his reply was "how can you be tired if you haven't been at work all day?". Perhaps because just being alive when you are depressed is difficult. I tried to explain this multiple times, but he still seemed to be convinced that I had no right to even mention the word tired when I didn't work.

My promiscuous behaviour then moved on to social media, posting basically naked pictures on Instagram. Posting pictures for other peoples enjoyment, not mine. I look back and do despair at how vulnerable and incredibly damaged I was. I was so broken, and my view of myself was so skewed. My family were telling me to stop - they could see it was damaging me further. I was more concerned about the number of likes that I got than genuinely liking a picture and posting it. I would spend endless time on my hair and makeup - not for me, but again, for other peoples approval.

I often find that people that constantly post or post provocative pictures on Instagram have some sort of insecurity. Whether they were bullied (which I also was), whether they didn't get enough love growing up (which I also didn't), whether they are just an insecure person (hi, that's me!). There is normally something deeper behind it. They often get rather defensive when anything like this is suggested - and I know, because I have been there and denied and denied and denied it until I began psychotherapy and realised I was so incredibly insecure and desperate for someone else's approval, that I gave away my dignity and any self-respect I had.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not entirely over this. There are times when I am tempted to sign up to Instagram again to post such pictures, but I've realised until I want to post them for me, I am better off not. However, I have fallen in love with someone who is so amazing, so incredible, that I very rarely feel that urge. I have all the love and attention I need, and I don't need anyone elses.


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